We hang up our towels and reluctantly ease ourselves into an entirely silent hot-tub. I can’t help but feel the heat of prying male eyes inspecting the latest offering of fresh meat, although I can imagine that in their perspective Issy is the steak whilst I am some sautéed spinach on the side. I’m handed temporary respite in the form of a towel and we take a tour of the facilities. We part our separate ways to enter the changing rooms – which should probably be called undressing rooms here.
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In a sign of things to come, Issy gets in for free on account of the fact she has more than one X chromosome. She reassures me as I fumble nervously to stump up £17, which seems like a hefty price for a night of embarrassment and self-loathing. Thankfully, I’m joined by my friend Issy whose experience as a life-drawing model means she is no stranger to getting scantily clad in front of an audience. Rio’s website claims that the spa “is a place to meet new friends”, although the fact that the welcome page is scattered with pictures of attractive naked guests suggests something else is on offer.
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Recently refurbished after a fire ravaged its facilities in 2016, the underground retreat now boasts three steam rooms and Jacuzzi’s, two sauna cabins, a plunge pool, a TV lounge and a garden. But no-one – at least for Kentishtowner – has yet written about their first-ever visit.